


Swimming Pool

by bpdkaneki



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Anyways, M/M, dark themes, i wanted this to be a tsukiyama/kaneki but it turned one sided, kaneki is rlly depressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-10 22:42:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4410689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bpdkaneki/pseuds/bpdkaneki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I know, I know you're in love with me and I've been ignoring you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Swimming Pool

"What did you do after that?"

"I wanted to die."

Kaneki saw it on the other mans face. He saw it appear and roll over his features and settle in his eyes.

"The good things never last. They sneak into your food and dissolve in your stomach with their fuzzy feelings and dopey nights, with movies that don't really fit the mood. They spread through your blood to your hands and make them clammy, they make your face red and your heart send the wrong blood to the wrong places. They make your lungs a little smaller and your head a little bigger and you start to think: this is perfect."

"And what's so wrong with that?" The man crossed his legs, leaning forward as if he was interested. He was probably faking it.

"Then you go outside and it's hard to make money. Then you go outside and the sun, it hurts. It hurts a lot because you were up all night watching cliché love movies and baking cakes and playing music that's good but doesn't make any sense. So you haven't really slept and everything is too loud and too bright, too fast. Everything is too real."

The man in front of Kaneki tapped his pen to his bottom lip, his shoulders rising slightly with his breathing, and his chest inflating with air. A few seconds of silence the man pulls the pen away and stretches his back, his arms resting in front of him.

"Then you go home and it's silent, but you swear you can hear everything. Everything that isn't there, that you thought was there. You swear you can hear forever. So you spend hours poking at your teeth until your gums bleed and you wonder how you would be if you were still alone. You wonder if the man sitting in the living room watching TV would have made cake with another person. You wonder how many other people he's made cake with." Kaneki takes a deep breath, sliding his hands across his jeans and clamping them into fists. He shut his eyes and his eyebrows furrowed as if he was in pain.

"And then the cake doesn't matter because suddenly all you're concerned with is how many came before you, how many will come after. How soon they will come after. Suddenly the TV in the living room is already a memory and everything that happens is a memory, even before it happens."

"How come everything is a memory?" The man sitting in the chair across Kaneki asked, with a flat tone. The man made circular motions with his right foot and blinked slowly, as if tired or bored.

"Because the minute you decide that you were not the only one, that soon you will just be another, you lose. You start neglecting what you have and you start doing things that will probably ruin your life, because you don't want to address the issues. You start cutting your pants into shorts and taking the strings out of your shoes and ripping the buttons off of your shirts and you don't know why. You leave the house at night and don't come back until your lover is gone and you know you should talk but what is there to say?" Kaneki lifted his hands to hold his head, covering his ears.

"Like, 'There's no doubt in mind that if you could then you would try to crack my ribcage open, and pull my heart right through'? You can't say that to the person you've been ignoring for weeks. You can't say that to the person who is already packing their things, even though they haven't announced that its over. That forever is gone. You can't ask for someone to kill you, when you killed them first."

"Why didn't you stop him? Why didn't you explain?" The man moved his hands together over his lap, his foot stopping its motion so he could re-cross his legs. Right over left. The mans eyebrows furrowed as if he didn't understand, his body still moving with his breath and his heart visible in the way his throat throbbing.

"Because when I finally came home, he asked me how low my self esteem was. He said he knew I was too preoccupied with his past to occupy his present. He said that's why he was leaving. I was ignoring the issues at hand."

"What did you do when he left?" The mans face swayed to the side, slightly, as if he was bored or truly interested. Most likely the former.

"I started to do the things he liked, even though he would never see. I baked cakes and decorated them nicely and I kept my clothes clean and I didn't ruin them anymore. I turned the TV on for him. I went outside and I tried to enjoy myself."

The man nodded, his eyes blinking slowly. The look was still there. It hadn't left, it still morphed and swam over his features like a dying fish. Kaneki could hear the flopping, he could hear the waves washing over. He didn't become upset, however, even though at previous times he would have broken down. Instead, he found comfort.

"I finally addressed the issues at hand, the ones I couldn't ignore but tried to. I'm still addressing them. I know what I did, I don't know why I did it. I know what I felt, I don't know why I felt it. I often went to the pool near my house. I would sit on the edge and only let my feet in. I would sit and wonder what it would be like at the bottom. What kind of comfort would the water provide if I sank to the bottom? I wondered if the water would be warm, welcoming. I wondered if I had to exist at all if I was down there."

"That's quite drastic." The man said, rolling his eyes.

"A few months later, after he left, I called his cell phone. I said, 'I know, I know you're in love with me and I've been ignoring you.' And that was it. I was aware that even after he left he still left voicemails and emails. I was aware he still cared and wanted me to be okay. But I wasn't. The good things never last, and I will be alone, probably the rest of my life." The man yawned.

Kaneki released his hands from his head and rose from his seat.

Kaneki found comfort at the bottom of a swimming pool, holding his breath for him.


End file.
